Frustration

Alot of things had been happening in my life which I chose to keep to myself.

So much so that it is starting to burst out of my being. I understand that everyone has their own set of problems so everytime, I would try all means to avoid setting my own set of problems on others. However, many many times people misunderstand my intentions..

The feeling of being misunderstood is really yucky.. especially when no one in your family or friends or even church members understand but misunderstand your intentions or actions.

Maybe I have a problem expressing myself? I always push this blame to myself.. but the more I do that, the worse I felt..

Been trying to put up a cheerful front as much as I can.. but everytime I did that, my heart just skrinch in pain.

This is not one of the cheerful, happy go lucky kind of blog which I often write. Usually I don't write about my problems.. but this time round, I just want to vent out my frustration.

I may be quiet about things doesn't mean it's ok. So don't just push all the blame to me. Sometimes I have to end up pacifying people who tried to show concern to me when I don't look too well. It's just too tiring.. I already felt bad and still I have to counsel others not to be upset over what I'm upset about??!

I need a change.. a good change. With this keep going on, I will collapse anytime soon. Need a breakthrough from God.. really need it!

Is there anyone who cares other than God? Just felt sad that I can't share most of the burdens in my heart with the people around me.. though most of my friends are really concerned. Sometimes, sharing and listening is not enough. I need solid solutions.. too much talking and no action is just plain complaining.

Tired and sick of complaining and hear people complain. And now, even myself is complaining.. hahaha.. an irony. :)

Is there no place for me to rest where no one is always out there to condemn and seek for your weakness so they can launch their accuses to you? Where there is no backstabbing or scheming against you? No murmuring, rejections, gossiping and even snatching away things that you cherish and love in life?

I need a rest from all these.. sometimes with friends who does these things to you, who needs enemies? It really grieves my heart to see all these happening. This reminds me of Job and David.. and Abraham who had to wait for God's deliverance for many many years.

Maybe I'm impatient, but I'm still human. I can't just treat as though nothing had happened. I also need encouragement and comforting.. I believe you too need that.

Who believes in me? Who praises me? Especially when people around me are always complaining that I don't believe in them or praises them even for the little little things? I did.. but who did it to me?

It's a selfish world where every man is for himself.. Like someone told me before: "John.. no one will give you any chance in life.. you have to fight for it!". Believe me.. I've been fighting all my life..

Opportunities don't always knock twice.. sometimes it knock once.. but most of the time, it don't even comes at all.

I hate birthday celebrations.. just hate it and will feel really bad during that period of time every year.. Am always reminded of my past on the seeds that went dead and bore no harvest. I sowed in lives, but what I got is so insignificant that it is almost non-existent..

I'm amazed at how Jesus loved the world even at the face of all these ugliness of the world.. That's why I love Jesus.. He's the best! :)

Love You Lord.. :D